Name Frustration
by MagicalMysteryPhantom
Summary: Alexander is just a bit frustrated, and he decides to take it out on his friends...
1. Chapter 1

"What's wrong with all of your names!?" Alexander Hamilton burst out one evening while eating dinner with his friends. There was silence for a few moments as they all looked round at each other. Alexander fumed into his stew.

"I don't see what you mean." Lafayette said eventually.

"Oh, come on, man!" Alexander threw down his spoon and stood up. "I know you're French and all, but 'Lafayette'? Seriously? What does that even mean, 'The Dumb Name'?"

Lafayette put a hand to his chest as if to say, 'Moi?'

"And what even is your first name?"

Lafayette's hand left his chest and started to describe circles in the air. "Well, it's-"

"No, I don't actually- ERHM!" Hamilton cut Lafayette off with a wave of his hand. As he turned away Lafayette made a rude gesture behind his back. John Laurens had the bravery to let out a snort of laughter.

"And you!" Hamilton said, turning on him. "'Laurens'? 'Laurens'?! Isn't Lauren, like, a girl name?"

Laurens looked crestfallen. Did people really think of girls upon hearing his name? He wanted his name to strike fear into the hearts of his enemies!

"Actually, it might also be a flower..." Alexander said. "Ehmm, no, I'm pretty sure it's just a girl name."

John Laurens didn't look anymore pleased.

"And Hercules Mulligan," Alexander said. The teasing laughter in Mulligan's eyes suddenly turned to something similar to fear.

"I wouldn't name my child Hercules to begin with, but a last name like Mulligan just makes it so much worse! What on earth were your parents thinking!? Had I been cursed with a horrible name like Mulligan, I would at least name my son something normal, like, Philip, or something. But to be honest, if I had your name, I would just change it."

Tears had filled Mulligan's eyes and looked ready to spill out at any minute. His bottom lip quivered.

"Alexander."

Hamilton turned again, to where he saw a familiar someone sitting in the corner.

"Aaron Burr, sir." He said viciously.

Burr stood, setting down his drink. "Alexander," he repeated with a small smile, "Are you upset because you haven't been on the battlefield much lately?"

Alexander flushed; even in the dim light of the bar it was obvious that that was the reason.

Lafayette caught on. "Aww," he cooed. "Is poowr wittle Hamilton sad because he's big Genewal's secwatawy?"

Mulligan sniffled.

"Wha– no!" Hamilton said, his face growing redder by the second. "That's not– Your mother's sad 'cause she's not on the battlefield–"

Collective laughter rang around the table.

"And, I mean, what kind of name is 'Hamilton' anyway?" John Laurens asked, laughing nervously. The others joined in.

"That's IT!" Alexander slammed his fist on the table and stormed out.

For some time, there was silence.

Mulligan wiped away a tear, hoping that nobody would notice.

"So... where did he go?" Lafayette asked.

"I dunno, probably to the– hrmm, to the bathroom or something," Mulligan said, trying to hide the fact that that his voice had broken.

More laughing, louder this time. Alexander, hiding just inside the bathroom, heard it. Growing angrier, he threw open the door and stomped out of the bar, ignoring the growing laughter behind him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Epilogue**

"I, personally, am so glad that he's gone." Hercules Mulligan declared.

There were grunts of general agreement as they all shoveled food into their mouths. Burr had been invited to take Hamilton's place and was now happily finishing Alexander's barely touched food.

"Just, y'know, out of curiosity," Laurens paused to take a bite. "Lafayette, what actually is your first name?"

Lafayette put down his fork. "My real name?"

John nodded. The other two just watched, looking interested.

"Lemme think..." Lafayette closed his eyes, a look of intense concentration on his face. " _Un_... _deux_ , _trois_..." he mumbled under his breath, counting on his fingers. " _Cinq_... _sept_..." His eyes opened. "I believe that I have it all."

Laurens exchanged a worried glance with Burr.

Lafayette smiled nervously, then began. "My name (and title) is Marie Joseph Paul Yves Roche Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette."

Silence reigned. Lafayette gazed at each of them in turn, hoping for a response. Finally, Laurens broke the silence.

"Um... I'm sorta starting to see Hamilton's point."

Lafayette's face dropped. But they weren't done. "Yeah," Mulligan agreed. "What was that, like, fifteen names?"

"And what even was wrong with those names?" Laurens asked.

Burr spoke up. "I normally keep my opinions to myself, but. . . . That's messed up, man."

Lafayette nodded and swallowed a few times. "Alright. I see how it is." He took a half loaf of bread from his plate and exited the bar.

There was quiet once more at the table. The few people that were left wondered if chasing their friends away had been the best choice. It was, again, John Laurens who broke the silence.

"Marie's a girl name, anyway."

The others at the table laughed, but Burr privately wondered who would be the next to go down.

 **The End**

 **Epilogue Epilogue**

"So... they kicked you out too?" Hamilton took a bite of the proffered bread. Lafayette nodded morosely and also took a bite.

"We should, like..." Lafayette paused to swallow. "Build a tree house, and not let them in or something."

Hamilton said nothing.

"It's just, something that the other children in France did to me when I was young..."

Hamilton was quieter than a rock.

"And I have always wanted to do it myself, and keep other childre- er, people out."

Hamilton said nothing.

"Well, you know... or maybe not..."

 **The End**


End file.
